Villainy

The beauty in villains is that they know they're totally fucked up. They realize it and come to accept that that is the way they are. They don't fight their flaws. They embrace them and become stronger, for they know there's no point in fighting against their own nature.

Disregard

I felt like watching the whole world burn. Like I didn’t belong and then it was only me. Me against the world, because no matter how hard I tried, how hard they tried, it’d always be just as it is: a loner wondering through everything that makes earth, every corrupt floor, every pure leaf fallen from a tree. A loner trying to make them feel what she feels, what she says, why she acts like this and like that, why she keeps hiding, lying, pushing people away. Until she’s tired… and then everything’s shut down. No matter how I wanted, I could never let anyone take that feeling away from me. No one I have met could and I was beginning to believe I wouldn’t ever meet someone that was able go past the façade. That would eventually walk in into those tortuous, twisted path that lead to the core of something no one had reached so far, something that even I was scared of. Something that was pretty much fucked up, and confused, and complicated. My spirit, my soul, my heart. Whatever you call it. I mean this that makes us what we are. What we fear, what we hide and why, why this and why that. Why everything. So I came to the hopeless place – one step farther into the labyrinth no one could reach – where I was convinced I was alone in the whole world, because would it matter if I had thousands of people in my life, but trust no one? It wouldn’t, would it? Only shallowly and I was never one to care about shallow. Nothing that couldn’t give me a headache for thinking too much, or reach me in some level of my loneliness, or I don’t know, make my life goes upside down was worth my while. I was like a masochist. Always seeking something that could make me retreat even more, but reality was: I was trying to get used to the fact I wouldn’t change ever, and that there were people like me. People who had struggles and would never overcome them. People who were outsiders and had never met the one who’d make them feel normal. My whole life was spent in trying to achieve conformism, instead of trying to change. Isn’t it… mortifying? Yes, it is. And it ultimately led me to the watching the whole word burn, because then I understood I simply didn’t care about it. I was lost and hopeless. I couldn’t bring myself to worry about what could happen to me or to anyone. I was lacking of empathy. A certain kind, because I still had feelings, I still felt pity for some people. Or restrained love for others. But is it what we should feel? It’s pathetic. I was watching everything burn into reddish little pieces until everything was charcoal and ashes. And although I cared…

I didn’t.

Yin Yang

Depois da tempestade vem a bonança. Sabe o que isso quer dizer? É aquela tranquilidade de espírito que muitos almejam. Que nós almejamos. Nunca entendi muito bem esse ditado. Tá, e daí que depois da tempestade vem a bonança? Já enfrentei tantas tempestades no meu pequeno barquinho frágil, quebradiço, novo, mas com aparência de cem anos. Tantas tempestades que não saberia computar. Tantas que levaram tudo o que eu tinha, que acabei achando que não conseguiria trazer de volta o que havia perdido, e, às vezes, penso que nunca conseguirei. Mas com o tempo – a única constante no mundo todo – percebi que não importa o quanto perdemos de nós mesmos, porque um dia simplesmente lidamos com a falta desses pedacinhos. Um dia a gente percebe que, bem, foda-se, fazer o quê? A vida é assim, é uma merda, é inconstante. Esperar que mantivéssemos aquela inocência de criança para a vida toda é, simplesmente, ingênuo demais. Mas e depois? E a bonança? Nunca entendi esse provérbio porque nunca conheci a bonança. Para mim, essa calmaria que vinha depois das tempestades era constante. A meu ver, no desfecho tudo daria certo. Quão inocente de mim. Porque afinal, o provérbio definitivo deveria ser “Depois da tempestade vem a bonança. E vice-versa”, mas quem gostaria de ouvir isso? A vida é cheia de pessoas que pensam de modo otimista, e qual delas gostaria de saber que, no fim das contas, a bonança não é o que persevera?  No entanto, com quase duas décadas de invernos vivenciados, a gente adquire uma mentalidade diferente daquela que a gente tinha há muito ou há pouco tempo. É bem como os sábios chineses filosofaram: a vida é composta de forças negativas e positivas, o Yin e o Yang. Ambas as energias estão presentes na vida de qualquer pessoa, pois elas são complementares. A luz não pode existir sem escuridão, tampouco o inverso. Basicamente, elas são opostas, mas não se opõem. Em sua natureza, elas buscam o equilíbrio no fluxo constante do universo. E é assim que eu me sinto agora. Não importa se sou Yin ou se sou Yang, o fato é que sempre serei o que sou independente do que eu faça, mas sempre terei em mim uma semente da energia oposta. Não importa quantas tempestades virão, quantos milhares de vezes terei que reconstruir meu pequeno barquinho cansado, sempre haverá uma bonança dentro de mim esperando o momento certo para despertar e se espalhar, equilibrar-se.